Snape, Dumbledore, and Voldemort's Fear
by TooManyIdeasToHold
Summary: Snape finally gets a position as DADA teacher. Then, he remembers that he has to review Boggarts! Dumbledore, Voldemort, Alan Rickman twice! and CHUCK NORRIS star in this hilarious parody!


A/N: Hello! After an interesting conversation with my little brother, I have decided to post a story of what we think Snape, Voldemort, and Dumbledore's fears are.

Disclaimer: I don't try to take command of the Harry world or Walker, Texas Ranger show, or Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

Warning: Stupidity. Have fun!

**Snape's Fear**

It began in Harry's sixth year. Actually, it truly began in Severus' fifth year. The teasing of Snape. But, all the people of that era either died or were sent into insanity. Too bad. Well, in Harry's sixth year, Snape got the teaching position he'd always dreamed about. He almost died in happiness. Then, he learned he'd have to review Boggarts.

"Alright, class," the cold-hearted, greasy-haired man/bat/creature began, "We are going to be reviewing…Boggarts. You all know that they show our true fears. We will see if anyone's fears have changed since two years ago, with Professor Werewolf…Lupin, sorry Harry," Snape spat.

"Professor Snivellus…Snape, I do believe that you will have to re-teach how to properly cast whatever charm it was to dispel it," smugly replied Harry, with a grin on his face. The professor gulped quietly, but being in the first row, Harry heard it and his smirk grew larger.

"Potter, since you seem to be so eager, I will let you have first chance to dispel the Boggart," Snape coolly replied. "Everybody, stand up." Seeing their slow progress, he bellowed, "NOW!" They immediately jumped out of their seats and into the dividing aisle between the two halves of the room. Snape angrily banished the chairs to the sides of the room, then Accio'd the huge cabinet down the stairs and into the middle of the clearing. It jiggled and wiggled and jaggled and waggled. He smirked as he saw Harry put on a fake grimace of fear. He stood behind it and waited. At that moment, as he opened the door, Dumbledore and Voldemort walked in, having a heated discussion as to why fuzzy socks were better than socks with tacks in them.

"Oh, hello Severus. I was just having a conversation with Tom…," Voldemort flinched and almost Crucio'd Snape, but kept his calm as Dumbledore continued, "…as to why fuzzy socks are better than tack-ridden socks. Perhaps you can help me out?" he suggested, raising his eyebrows and pointing his thumb to the Dark Lord, a slight smile appearing.

"Snape, if you enter either side, I will Crucio you later," the Dark Lord threatened darkly.

"Yes, my Lord. I am sorry, Dumbledore, but I was trying to humiliate Potter. Could you kindly let me continue?" he asked the aged wizard, who was busy having a thumb war with the nearly equally old Riddle Jr.

"I'm sorry, Severus, what were you saying?" he replied, taking his eyes off Tom's thumbs for a moment. Voldemort grabbed Dumbledore's thumb and kept it down for ten counts.

"I WIN!" Voldemort shouted triumphantly. He started to blow raspberries into Dumbledore's face, waggling his fingers beside his ears.

"Yes, that's great my Lord, but as I was saying, Dumbledore, I'm trying to humiliate Potter."

"That's great," Dumbledore replied quickly, without even trying to look at the greasy-haired git. He was now arm-wrestling Voldemort. He slammed down the Dark Lord's arm and cried out, "I BEAT TOM! WHOOPEE! Oh, sorry Severus, go ahead and try to humiliate him. Nobody's been able to so far. Am I correct, Tom?" he cocked an eyebrow to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He rolled his eyes and muttered darkly, trying to control the export of cursing leaving his mouth. Snape slapped his forehead a little too hard, and he winced in pain. Harry smirked. Snape whipped around to glare menacingly at him. A few thunderous cracks were heard and Voldemort and Dumbledore raised their eyebrows quite high. Snape rolled his head and rubbed his ginger neck, his eyes crunched together to control the pain.

"Potter," he whimpered, "prepare yourself. I am going to open the door." He opened the door and sped away. Out stepped a creature that was a mixture of Umbridge and Voldemort, both extremely nice. Harry and Voldemort screamed, fainting, while the other students blew chunks vehemently from their mouths. Voldemort jumped back up however, and walked toward it. It changed into…. CHUCK NORRIS! Voldemort screamed in pain and fear at the bearded man. Hermione whispered to a now awake Harry,

"Where do you think he saw Chuck Norris? He's a Muggle!" Voldemort was seen running away from the sixty-year old man that could do anything. Chuck Norris laughed evilly and pursued Mr. Riddle. Then he screamed,

"I'm going to rip out your spinal cord and strangle you with it! Then, I'll cut you up and serve you with sushi to this greasy haired man!" he shouted, pointing to Snape. Snape ran in front of the Boggart as Alan Rickman walked in.

"Who…the…hell…are…you?" Snape and Rickman yelled at each other, pointing at each other. Snape yanked his wand out of his cloak as Rickman yanked his Gatling Gun out from behind his jeans. Snape glared at Rickman and he realized his mistake. "Sorry," he mumbled. He put the machine gun slowly away and dramatically re-yanked a wand out of his jeans, pointing it furiously at Snape. Both sneered at each other, a complete mirror image, other than the clothes. Dumbledore spoke up.

"I invited Mr. Rickman over to show you who portrays you in their world," Dumbledore explained. Snape was surprised and they both turned to him. They put their wands away and walked to attack him. Dumbledore reminded them, "There's a Boggart, remember?"

"Sorry, Headmaster," was uttered at the same time as, "Sorry, Dumbledore."

"Hey," Snape said loudly, "why do you get to call him 'Dumbledore' while I have to call him 'Headmaster'?"

"Because, J.K. Rowling made you that way. I'm a REAL person!" Rickman yelled back. They almost cursed each other, but the Boggart was becoming something. They turned in horror as it turned from Chuck Norris into… 'Princess' Pretty Pink Bubbly Shampoo'!

"AAAAHHHHH!" Rickman and Snape yelled madly, throwing their arms into the air and cringing away. They both ran away in fear of it and how it had been used on each of them. Harry laughed like mad. Dumbledore jumped brazenly in front of it and the Boggart transformed one last time into….

Mr. Magorium!

Holding Dumbledore's bowl of lemon drops!

BURNING THEM!

"NNNOOOOO!" Dumbledore cried out in anguish. He fell to the floor on his knees, sobbing. "NO! No, no, no, no, no, NO!" He beat on the ground like a child throwing a temper tantrum. He conjured a 'Bang Head Here' 'stress kit' onto the stone floor and smashed his head, supposedly old and frail, against it. The stone, unable to hold all the pressure from the head and the magic of anguish, started to crater and crack.

"It'th magical!" Mr. Magorium said, in his stupid accent. The students almost died because of the idiocy that they _saw_ come out of his mouth with the words. The silly accent alone nearly killed them. They screamed and cried because of his accent, so sad they felt because of it. Dumbledore finally regained his composure and stood angrily, _furiously_, in front of Mr. Magorium. He cast Sonorous on his throat and yelled even more loudly than usual,

"_**RIDDIKULUS!**_" Mr. Magorium immediately began to choke wildly on a flaming lemon drop. He dropped the bowl, which was caught and put out by Dumbledore, and started to gag. He stopped, standing stock-still, and fell down much faster than gravity should've allowed.

The Boggart turned back into its true form, once the door to the cabin shut and was locked. They stared in horror at the closet, so frightened by it. Snape and Rickman just stared, then resumed their menacing stances at each other. Voldemort tried to stand up, but his spinal cord was wrapped around his neck. He just rolled his head the other way, using magic to do it. Harry just stared at it, and then shouted,

"Exuro Is Res!" smoke began to come out of the cabinet, and they all just stared. Then, they all fainted and fell over, exhausted by all the horrible encounters.

A/N: Sorry about that, but I couldn't think of a better ending. 'Exuro is res' is Latin for 'Burn this thing'. Please READ AND REVIEW! I know it kind of sucked, but I decided to try for another Humor-type story. Thanks!


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